I had planned to blog a recap of the best earthquake jokes from today — was going to call it “Laughtershocks” — but I’m pretty much over the five-point-ain’t by now. Plus, I’ve found something far more distasteful.
And with something like this, there’s no other way to treat it than to be full-on offensive. Be warned: There are gross mental images, extreme immaturity, and copious sailor talk ahead! If you don’t want to read words fit only for seamen, hit your Back button now.
Fire and emergency crews answered a call early this morning from an Interstate 65 on-ramp just south of Nashville, Tennessee, where four unmarked canisters strewn across the road were emitting steam and an unpleasant odor. Authorities shut down the ramp and summoned HAZMAT teams to investigate.
What did they find — a dirty bomb? Sort of. Biohazard? To be sure. Explosives? In a sense, yeah. At least, I guess you could describe bull semen that way.
From bulls, no less.
According to this article, the canisters fell off a Greyhound bus that “did not know it lost its load….” (Thanks for making my job easier there, guys.)
The article also said, “A Greyhound spokesperson said it’s not uncommon that the bus was carrying bull sperm.” Really? This is a regular occurrence for them? I’m a tad bothered by the thought of riding a bus that’s also carrying large quantities of Guernsey goo — to the point where I might have to change some upcoming travel plans.
But at least the essence of Angus was kept in a separate compartment from the passengers’ luggage, or so the company claimed. “Leave the driving to us,” indeed.
The canisters were en route to a breeding facility in Laredo, Texas, and were filled with “straws of frozen sperm packed in liquid nitrogen.” This leads my curious mind down a whole new road of questions.
How, for example, does one get cow chowder into a straw? It can’t be during the initial emission; otherwise, everything I’ve taken for granted about bulls has now been brought into doubt.
This, of course, leads to more questions. It’s obviously not collected in a straw, so what do they collect it in? Also, how do they go about reaping that particular harvest?
Lastly, once they’ve gathered the Holstein honey into what I can only presume to be a very large bowl, how do they then transfer it into the straws? Are you with me here? Think about that the next time you feel like complaining about your job.
And speaking of jobs, check out this bit of eye-opening news from the bull market: according to the article, the going rate for bovine baby batter is $18 to $50 per straw. At a possible capacity of 400 straws per container, that means the dropped cargo could have been worth $80,000 — quite a wad of cash to be tossed off the side of a highway.
The article says a local company assisted with the cleanup, but as this was Tennessee, I’m guessing there were plenty of Volunteers also coming out to help.
Spunky ones, at that.