Sperm warfare

I had planned to blog a recap of the best earthquake jokes from today — was going to call it “Laughtershocks” — but I’m pretty much over the five-point-ain’t by now. Plus, I’ve found something far more distasteful.

And with something like this, there’s no other way to treat it than to be full-on offensive. Be warned: There are gross mental images, extreme immaturity, and copious sailor talk ahead! If you don’t want to read words fit only for seamen, hit your Back button now.

Fire and emergency crews answered a call early this morning from an Interstate 65 on-ramp just south of Nashville, Tennessee, where four unmarked canisters strewn across the road were emitting steam and an unpleasant odor. Authorities shut down the ramp and summoned HAZMAT teams to investigate.

What did they find — a dirty bomb? Sort of. Biohazard? To be sure. Explosives? In a sense, yeah. At least, I guess you could describe bull semen that way.

That’s right, I said semen. Jizz, that is. Swimming seeds. Liquid love.

From bulls, no less.

According to this article, the canisters fell off a Greyhound bus that “did not know it lost its load….” (Thanks for making my job easier there, guys.)

The article also said, “A Greyhound spokesperson said it’s not uncommon that the bus was carrying bull sperm.” Really? This is a regular occurrence for them? I’m a tad bothered by the thought of riding a bus that’s also carrying large quantities of Guernsey goo — to the point where I might have to change some upcoming travel plans.

But at least the essence of Angus was kept in a separate compartment from the passengers’ luggage, or so the company claimed. “Leave the driving to us,” indeed.

The canisters were en route to a breeding facility in Laredo, Texas, and were filled with “straws of frozen sperm packed in liquid nitrogen.” This leads my curious mind down a whole new road of questions.

How, for example, does one get cow chowder into a straw? It can’t be during the initial emission; otherwise, everything I’ve taken for granted about bulls has now been brought into doubt.

This, of course, leads to more questions. It’s obviously not collected in a straw, so what do they collect it in? Also, how do they go about reaping that particular harvest?

Lastly, once they’ve gathered the Holstein honey into what I can only presume to be a very large bowl, how do they then transfer it into the straws? Are you with me here? Think about that the next time you feel like complaining about your job.

And speaking of jobs, check out this bit of eye-opening news from the bull market: according to the article, the going rate for bovine baby batter is $18 to $50 per straw. At a possible capacity of 400 straws per container, that means the dropped cargo could have been worth $80,000 — quite a wad of cash to be tossed off the side of a highway.

The article says a local company assisted with the cleanup, but as this was Tennessee, I’m guessing there were plenty of Volunteers also coming out to help.

Spunky ones, at that.

About Dan Bain

Dan is an award-winning humorist, features writer, emcee and entertainer from Raleigh, NC. His collection of humor essays, A Nay for Effort, has earned him fans from one end of his couch to the other. Why not join them and buy one? (You won't have to sit on his couch.) Dan will donate 10 percent of the book's proceeds to education. You can check it out at www.danbain.net; thanks!
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21 Responses to Sperm warfare

  1. Well, you did remain true to the “words fit only for seamen.” Just not that particular kind. Funny!

  2. Tori Nelson says:

    I didn’t think I could possibly brainstorm another reason to avoid Greyhound buses. Wrong! Hilarious post & glad my spunky, Tennessee Vols got to help with cleanup… ick.

  3. wordnymph says:

    I can’t remember when I’ve read anything so funny. I’m sending this on to my sister-in-law out west. Her family has been in bull semen for years.

    • Dan Bain says:

      Thanks, Monica! For the gracious compliment and for passing it on. The last time you shared one of my links, my hits increased dramatically, so I appreciate your influence! I’m also glad to know you’re not above an appreciation for extreme sophomoric humor. “In bull semen for years.” Eww.

  4. critters and crayons says:

    Bwahahahhahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhahahha! That is one hilarious post, Dan!!!!!!

  5. nrhatch says:

    Yah . . . what critters and crayons said! 😀

  6. Megan DaGata says:

    OMGosh! This was so funny! Thank you for brightening my afternoon! You need to check out this one episode of Dirty Jobs…um…it’s educational where this is concerned…and absolutely disgusting.

  7. Ohmygod, that’s funny! Also: Have you ever watched Dirty Jobs? It’s a discovery channel show that documents, well, jobs that are dirty. I am SURE there is at least one episode involving bull semen and how exactly it’s collected. Just don’t make the mistake of typing “dirty jobs bull semen” into your google search…. I’m just sayin’.

    • Dan Bain says:

      Thanks, Desi! In fact, there was an episode about that — see Megan’s comment. (It hadn’t shown up when you posted yours, but hey — great minds!)

  8. Alan King says:

    Great writing! It was humorous without going over the top. I loved how you kept the narrative tension in this post. I kept reading because I wanted to know what the hell they were doing with bull sperm, in the first place. Thanks for this one!

  9. Terri T says:

    Oh my… I nearly had to submit a bill for a new keyboard to you after reading this one! As for the collection process, Mike Rowe educated the masses on one episode of “Dirty Jobs”. Perhaps that episode is viewable online, but I see someone has beaten me to the punch with that news. In any case, if you’ve seen that episode, check out the one about gooey ducks! Thanks for the laughs, Dan!

  10. Terri T says:

    GEE that bull looks terrific, I mean familiar! : )

  11. techsnoop says:

    Ok, I’m a little late reading this, but I can’t stop laughing.

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