Same gold, different day

Officials in New Taipei City, Taiwan, know how to polish the turd – in fact, they practically know how to gold-plait it.  To provide incentive for dog-owners to clean up after their dogs do their business, the city is offering raffle tickets for poop.

I'm gonna have to go with "No."

As of yesterday, residents can exchange one full bag per ticket, with no limit on the number of tickets they can receive. Each ticket provides a chance at one of three gold ingots worth T$60,000 (approx. $2100); T$18,000; and T$12,000.

The city is giving out trash bags to assist with the cleanup, as well as resorting to the more fascist measure of offering rewards to whistle-blowers who provide photographic evidence of dog-owners shirking their, umm, duties.

I had to think about that last bit for a while before I realized – only video could yield undeniable evidence. Still photos aren’t reliable; any clever photographer with a vengeful spirit and a bran muffin could plant the evidence themselves and shoot a fake series of photos. One can only hope city officials will demand DNA evidence along with the pics, but keep your eyes on this one, Amnesty International.

I’m also hoping city officials are willing to accept raffle entries via airmail; if so, I’m stocking up on Metamucil and trash bags, and am going to be busy for the next few days. The way gold is rising in value, I have nothing to lose that I wouldn’t have lost, anyway.

My final wish for this story is that our own government officials take a lesson from it – if you really want to get your citizens involved, you have to let them hand you a bunch of crap for once.

If you’re actually interested in learning more, watch the riveting CBS News video, presumably available in steaming format….

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About Dan Bain

Dan is an award-winning humorist, features writer, emcee and entertainer from Raleigh, NC. His collection of humor essays, A Nay for Effort, has earned him fans from one end of his couch to the other. Why not join them and buy one? (You won't have to sit on his couch.) Dan will donate 10 percent of the book's proceeds to education. You can check it out at www.danbain.net; thanks!
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7 Responses to Same gold, different day

  1. Why are the Taiwanese so far ahead of the Chinese, who actually drop trou and lay “gold” in the streets of Beijing? Odd. Excellent point about the government, though.

    • Dan Bain says:

      Thanks, SC! And thanks for reading my stuff — don’t know if your friends are following you here or if it’s because I clicked on some of the cool entries in your blog roll, but someone somewhere is reciprocating something, and I got a few more hits out of it! Always gratifying to know my stuff is actually being read….

  2. comingeast says:

    Amazing! Wish our government had that much extra cash laying around that we could give out gold for crap. Oh, wait. We already do that!

  3. murphysrun says:

    I thought I might mention where the expression, “You can’t polish a turd”, comes from.

    It’s from the book, “House of God”, written by a medicine intern – local legend says at the then Beth Israel Hospital in Boston. The book is a pseudo-documentary/satire of training programs in the 70’s. I say pseudo-documentary because as a physician I can say that some of the -ism’s are quite true, things that no trusting, naive layperson would [want] to believe.

    The phrase refers to a patients who are beyond salvation, by the way.

    Cheers!

    • Dan Bain says:

      Thanks for the lesson; I had no idea! It’s a fun phrase, although I wasn’t sure about getting too scatological with this blog. One of my many faults is my fear of offending someone with my language — I tend to hold back in my blogs, columns and books, which I guess is pretty hypocritical of someone opposed to censorship. It also doesn’t gibe with the sailor mouth I tend to have within my own four walls. But oh, well. Thanks for visiting — and for leading others here!

  4. hugmamma says:

    Very innovative use of dog poop. Being half-Chinese myself and having had dealings with Chinese businessmen and women, I know they are in front of, not behind, the 8-ball when it comes to making money….anyway they can. Wish I’d inherited more Chinese business sense from my father…alas, he died when I was one. No rub-off there…or chip off the old block. I’m more like my mom who was pure Hawaiian. We tend to give away everything we own…well, maybe not everything I own since I still have Chinese blood flowing through my veins. But that’s why the native islanders don’t own their own land anymore. Ah..progress…

    By the way, I’m glad my brother Ben found his way to your blog. He is a wannabee cartoonist…with a passion for radio talk shows…and politics. Thank you for becoming his foil. I think you’re better equipped…being a man…and not a relative.

    eternally grateful… 😉

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